My Personal Story

Here’s the story of how I went from true believing Mormon (TBM) to religious skeptic. 

First, a little background.  I was raised in a very active LDS home. I come from serious Mormon pioneer stock and am a 5th or 6th generation Mormon. I am an Eagle Scout and I graduated from seminary, went on a Mormon mission, went to BYU, married in the temple, and served in various church callings including Gospel Doctrine teacher and a member of the bishopric. I am happily married and have four wonderful kids.  

I'll get into the particulars later, but in short, I had doubts about the Church going back to my teenage years. Specifically, I had doubts about Joseph Smith, polygamy, and blacks and the priesthood. Later, as I learned about evolution, I became troubled with the LDS view of human origins because it didn't fit well with the scientific facts I was learning in college and medical school. I never investigated these issues that troubled me and mostly accepted the apologists' explanations for them. The doubts never really went away, but I got good at putting them "on the shelf" - at least until I finished medical school and was about half way through my anesthesiology residency. That's when I could not ignore the doubts any longer.  

I read Richard Bushman’s Joseph Smith: Rough Stone Rolling during my anesthesia residency. It was a faithful examination of the real story of Joseph Smith from a believer's perspective. I came away  from this book thinking that Joseph Smith was very human, very fallible, and prone to human foibles and weaknesses. However, I still could make space in my faith for a two-dimensional Joseph Smith: part prophet, part man. When Joseph was a prophet, he was inspired. But when he was just being “Joseph” he was just as fallible as the next guy. 

However, Joseph Smith introduced the doctrine of polygamy while in his prophetic role. He taught that God demanded him to practice it, to instruct leaders of the Church to practice it, and that it was necessary for salvation. In learning the details of polygamy, I learned that Joseph Smith lied to his wife about it, he lied to the church about it, and he repeatedly lied to the public about it. Hugely influential books for me on the subject were Mormon Polygamy: A History by Richard Van Wagoner and In Sacred Loneliness by Todd Compton. 

What was disturbing was that this history - readily available to anybody, and extremely well documented by the Church - was very different than what I had been taught. The discrepancy between the actual historical account and the “faithful version” taught by the Church struck me as dishonest. Uncomfortable facts of history are carefully scrubbed from Church publications and are not discussed during church or seminary. 

Other troubling aspects of LDS history include Joseph Smith's  involvement in the occult, magic and gold-digging using magic stones which he later used to translate the Book of Mormon, Joseph’s heavy involvement in Freemasonry (which Joseph borrowed heavily from to create the Mormon temple ceremonies), the anachronisms in The Book of Mormon, the lack of any archaeologic, linguistic, or DNA evidence of Hebrews in America, glaring problems with the translation of the Book of Abraham (the papyrus he translated is actually a common pagan funerary text called “The Book of the Dead” that has nothing to do with the Book of Abraham), theocracy in Kirtland, Nauvoo, and Utah, racism practiced in the Church towards blacks until 1978, and opposition to the Civil Rights movement, LDS opposition to gender equality - especially during its political involvement fighting the ERA amendment and the Proclamation on the Family, and most recently its unethical opposition to same-sex marriage (including its behind-the-scenes involvement with Prop 8). 

This is only the barest of introductions to the issues I investigated.  I read voraciously for months from the most reliable sources I could find, trying cautiously to avoid both anti-Mormon and pro-Mormon bias. When the dust settled, I concluded that it was extremely improbable that the LDS church was anything other than a human invention and that our leaders were no more inspired than anyone else. 

What’s odd is how, one day, it just clicked. I woke up on Sunday Dec 28th, 2008, ready for a busy day of bishopric meetings, interviews, and Church services. But by the end of the day, I had told my bishop that I didn’t have a testimony anymore. I told my wife earlier that same day in between meetings. Initially, she was devastated. But as we communicated (which we have always been good at), and as she read the same information about LDS history, our viewpoints eventually converged.

I then examined Christian theology and my belief in God and found it just as vacuous and untenable as Mormonism.  Great claims require great evidence. However, during my search for answers about Jesus and God, I found no evidence that was reliable and convincing to me. 

However, I did not become morally unhinged or nihilistic after losing my faith. I think people can be moral without religion. I don’t feel any less moral than I did before. In fact, I feel a greater connectedness to people than I ever felt before. I feel a greater sense of wonder and awe about life. I feel free as I never have before. I feel life is a wonderful and precious journey that I'm lucky to be on. In short, I’m very happy with where I am now, and have no regrets with my search for truth. Life isn't perfect, but I think I’m as happy - maybe even a little happier - than the next guy. Of course I don’t know everything. But I feel very confident about my conclusions regarding the LDS church. I wouldn’t leave if I didn’t. 

My parents and siblings did not take the news well. There have been some tensions there. But we are arriving at a workable situation. It has been frustrating since the Church can condition members to ostracize and judge someone who leaves the church. Sometimes it can lead to family estrangement (ironic in a religion that claims to put family first). To some, I am an apostate, proud, sinful, intellectual, lazy, a bad father, blinded, etc. But we’re working through it. 

Anyway, I enjoy reading about and discussing religion. I still find it fascinating even though I don't believe in it as I once did.  I believe there are many ways to find happiness in life.  Religion works for some people. But it doesn't work for me.  I don’t have any desire to dislodge people from their beliefs, nor do I have any motive for making converts. My missionary days are over. But I do find it enjoyable to talk to people about religion.  

And maybe this is why I chose to start this blog. I need a voice, an outlet. There is no outlet for disagreement or opposing views in the Church, which is why I don’t attend anymore. My parents and siblings, for the most part, are not interested in talking to me about what I think. My opinions are too dangerous to their faith.  I understand why, and don't blame them. It's the system we were all raised in. We're taught to be scared of contrary facts and opinions, lest they damage our faith. They have too much to lose given the sunken costs of a lifetime of LDS membership. 


Maybe my journey will be helpful to someone else out there searching. Maybe someone else reading this will feel that they are not alone in the world.